I hate myself so much right now... I was arguing with a friend about my dad and he wasn't understanding that bonding with my dad isn't simple or easy.. and i think they are mad at me...i dont know, they left the conversation... and i feel so shitty about talking to them about it... im crying so hard right now because of all this...

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Me and my dad aren't close at all, we don't talk and we don't bond, sometimes he feels like a stranger to me... BUT over the years, I have had to endure my dads constant harassment over really stupid stuff that he thinks I do or dont' do. For example, my dad is always giving me hell over what I eat and don't eat in my diet, for the last 2 years I have been trying so hard to change my diet into something that will help my pcos and for the last year and a half I have made alot of progress! I cut back on portions and I am eating more protein and fiber and eating abit more healthy overall (although, i admit my diet needs more vitamins and veggies) AND my biggest accomplishment comes from the fact that ever since we moved into this house (since April) I have actually been walking more, even though it isn't everyday... its a start and I have lost alot of weight: I used to weigh 220 and now I weigh 205! Big accomplishment right?
A few more examples, my dad's always harassing me about what I eat in my diet like I said above, like when my dad came home Wednesday he was giving me hell about me eating ramen, I told him I lost my appetite and its hard to cook and eat because of the smell in the kitchen... aaand he doesn't even bother trying to understand, so he still nags me about how unhealthy ramen is =__=''. Sometimes, he even bothers me about my weight or what and how I dress and even my hair.. nothing is ever good enough for him and I am tired of his constant bitching!!!

BUT today, while I was doing commissions my dad decides to harass us about exercising, he starts bugging me and my sis about how we haven't walked ever since he came home Wednesday... and he even went as far to say that, we are either lazy or we HAVE SELF ESTEEM ISSUES just because we don't walk everyday? :T
For those of you who don't know, I used to suffer alot from deep depression and self esteem issues and lack of confidence overall (sometimes my depression comes back and really brings me down on everything)... so when my dad said we 'either have self esteem issues for not walking everyday' that really struck a nerve and I almost burst out crying.
I was sooooooooo angry and so sick and tired of my dad always assuming me and my sister don't do stuff, esp when hes home to criticize us. Esp for me, I have gone through so much because of my depression and it doesn't help when my dad is breathing down my neck about shit. What's worse, is that he acts like I don't do anything, but when it comes to diet and health he's a hella lot worse at it then anyone i know: He doesn't even exercise and is diet is weak at best, hes always eating late at night or eating some kind of junk food whenever he can, but he's always bragging to his stupid friends how much he IS going to walk and how he IS changing his diet for the best, which is BS because he doesn't do either and he eats like a slob and doesn't even walk, not once, even though he brags about WANTING to walk :T

I used to like living with my dad, but now I seriously hate it. I am sick and tired of him criticizing me about how I cook and what I eat or what I wear and How I do this and do THAT, I AM TIRED OF IT. AND whenever I try talking back or standing up for myself, he DOESN'T listen and still goes on and on about how my ways are wrong and his ways are right! He stresses me out sooo much, to the point where I feel like any moment I am going to have a heat attack or I am going to curse him out or punch him!!! that's right, I seriously at times want to punch him in the face and sometimes I'll even fawk up my own sleep pattern just to avoid him (even if it means sleeping til 3 or 5 pm in the evening)

But I am just soo angry, because not once has he eve sat back and cared enough to ask "hey Stacy, how much did you use to weigh/weigh now?" "Have you made any progress for weight loss or diet or anything?" He doesn't even care... and it hurts soo, soo much... It hurts to much and I just don't know anymore. It stresses me out so much because he doesn't even try to understand how I feel or even ask If I do anything to better myself..

Sorry this is so long, I needed to get this off my chest.... I am so upset right now, I am having trouble calming down.............